Now   That   You've   Seen   This   the   World   Can   Never   Be   the   Same   Size   Again

I began this series of paintings as a way of talking about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and its effects on people who suffer from it. The paintings illustrate a struggle against crippling inner turmoil. PTSD and art share an important connection for me. I have struggled with PTSD since early adolescence. I spent most of my teenage years isolated and depressed. During that time I used art not as a craft but a way to express feelings and thoughts I couldn’t articulate or was afraid to share. When I was unable to speak or write, I drew and painted. These paintings do not portray the experience of specific traumatic events (either mine or others’) because those moments of trauma are, in some ways, far less important than the subsequent struggle to deal with the effects of trauma. Additionally, a majority of the population is already aware of the general traumas that create PTSD – rape, war, abuse, and other types of trauma are portrayed regularly in popular media. However, it is far less typical to find an image of a person coping with (or healing from) their trauma, even though it is the coping and healing (or lack thereof) that will occupy the traumatized person for years afterward. The symptoms of PTSD affect a person’s life long after the memory of the traumatic event itself has become hazy, defined only by motley assortment of information: the color of a room in a certain type of light, a specific set of smells, a certain sound or image. The ways in which an individual is changed by PTSD – their ongoing experiences of isolation and pain, flashbacks, paranoia, complete (and sometimes irreparable) changes to relationships – are the most important part of the experience. PTSD affects greater society because the changes that are affected as a result of a sufferer’s experience create ripples that extend outward in slow, uneven rings. This is not an unusual occurrence but a cultural phenomenon. We live in a society marked by paranoia and isolation. In some ways PTSD can be seen as a distillation of these societal problems – a kind of visceral articulation. It is certainly indicative of a societal attitude that allows for the neglect and willful denial of both the cause and effect of traumatic events. It is unusual to see or read a depiction the inner world of a traumatized person. Rare depictions of post-traumatic experiences usually focus on the effect of the trauma on the people close to the PTSD sufferer. In order to help heal PTSD we must first have some intimate knowledge of how this disorder affects those who have it. The figures in the paintings are isolated, which speaks to both the distance people with PTSD feel from others, and also the way they simultaneously isolate themselves from friends and family – often due to depression and a desire to avoid any stimuli that may arouse traumatic memories. Often, they even began to avoid their own thoughts and feelings because any thoughts or emotions may trigger bad memories. Sometimes the choice is unintentional: someone with PTSD will disassociate from an experience they are having, thereby experiencing a sense of disconnection from their own life. As a result, no matter how much someone with PTSD tries to reach out to others, they are drawn back into a dark haze of their own internal experience. The figures in the paintings are isolated not because they do not want outside contact but because they are unable to move properly in order to escape their own experience and past. Paint has a solidity and presence which drawing and illustration usually lack. Paint can be visceral, effectively creating its own tangible but ultimately inaccessible world. This creates a perfect dichotomy in which to portray PTSD. Those viewing the paintings may peer into the reality of PTSD and touch its surface; however, they are unable to enter into the scene itself. The experience of PTSD feels huge and consuming, but is neither ultimate nor total. The figure is contorted and trapped; even if others want to rescue her, they cannot. Ultimately she must find her own way out and discover or create a way for others to access her experiences. The title of this series of paintings comes from The Maxx, a comic book and animated series created by Sam Kieth. The Maxx deals specifically and intimately with trauma and subsequent coping. Kieth’s work was a mainstay in my adolescence, always a reminder that my experiences were survivable and subsequent happiness possible. “Now that you’ve seen this, the world can never the same size again,” is a direct quote from The Maxx. It refers to the protagonist’s own journey: once she views her own internal world clearly the past becomes far less overwhelming, and she must face the challenge of healing and changing forever.

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